Oftentimes When a Patient's Family Seems Unreasonably Demanding, It Is Because
In this episode: Janet responds to an eastward-mail from a parent who says her 4-year-former has lately become very demanding for attention. "She won't allow us talk with friends, family, or over the phone. It has to be about her all the time." She is besides being defiant, especially in public, and ends up crying when she doesn't get her way. This mom feels her friends and family take cast her as a 'bad mom' and wants Janet's communication nearly "how to stop this excessive attention seeking, defiant behavior."
Transcript of "Help! Our Child Keeps Interrupting and Demanding Attention"
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
In this weeks episode of Unruffled, I am going to be responding to the parent of a iv-year-sometime daughter who is concerned that her daughter seems to need constant attention, to the indicate that she says she's avoiding taking her out or having friends over considering her friends and family see her as a bad mom. She wants to know what she tin can do to stop this excessive attending seeking.
Here'southward the note I received:
"Hi, Janet. I'k a huge follower of your work. I have a 4-year-old girl who's very abrupt, observant, and talkative. Lately she has started interrupting us a lot. She won't let us talk with friends, family, or over the phone. It has to exist near her all the fourth dimension. It is becoming very embarrassing. Our friends have started commenting on the same, and I feel defeated. Even when she's playing or coloring, she will call for our attending.
Lately she has also started being a lot more than defiant, especially in public. Won't hold hands on the street, will enquire for other kids toys, will weep in public, etc. It's gotten to a point where I avoid taking her out or having friends over. I literally am crying equally I write this 'cause my friends and family unit come across me as a bad mom. I don't know what I can exercise to stop this excessive attention seeking, defiant behavior of our daughter.
P.Due south. My married man inverse his task, and then we switched cities four months back. He has been traveling since then, and is home merely for weekends. Even then, he is working. Perhaps our girl is still processing this change. Please, please assistance me out. Thanks."
Okay. I love that she included this P.S. because I imagine her daughter is still processing a change moving houses, switching cities four months ago. That was a big loss for this daughter. Fifty-fifty the near positive change, in terms of moving, is also a loss of the familiar. Perchance that was the only home that she knew and, regardless, I'm sure she had routines at that place, she was comfortable. Moving is tough. And so, that's very likely part of this.
And then any the parents are feeling, the stress that they might take, is also going to be added into the mix because children absorb that, and they procedure it out. In a sense, they reflect it back to us.
So those reasons alone could be enough for this girl to be going through something. That's what I would say for sure. She'southward going through something. She's non at her all-time. She needs to be able to unload and fall apart a little bit.
It sounds similar this parent does understand that, just I want to encourage her fifty-fifty more to perceive this fashion, and to see this as healthy for her kid to be able to have tears, tantrums, meltdowns, autumn apart and so that she tin put herself back together again, having released the stress of all these changes, or any else she may be going through.
The way we perceive our children and our role with them every bit parents and the state of affairs that we're in matters a lot. Sometimes it tin assist just to empathise that, yes, this is normal behavior for this girl correct now. It doesn't mean every four-twelvemonth-onetime would exist behaving like this, simply it is still normal for what she is going through. The best fashion to navigate this is to see these bids for attention kind of like an early meltdown. The manner that the pelting sometimes starts drip, drip, baste, baste, drip, and then there's a downpour. That's what these bids for attention are similar.
The difficult affair for parents, for all of united states of america, is that these unreasonable persistent interruptions and calls to usa, tend to make usa react rather than responding. When we react instead of respond, our child feels that discomfort from u.s.a., which only adds to their own.
There's a wonderful quote from Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson'southward book, No Drama Discipline, which is i that I recommend. They say, "The pause between reactive and responsive is the beginning of pick, intention, and skillfulness as a parent."
Is information technology normal to react? Yes, simply as parents it will help u.s.a., and assist our children, to work on responding instead of reacting — giving ourselves that moment to breathe, perceiving our child as capable of being in their uncomfortable feelings. That's a big part of this, because if nosotros call back that every time our child says, "Mom" or "Dad," or fifty-fifty every bit an infant, every fourth dimension our baby makes a sound, "Ah," if nosotros're reacting to those things, nosotros're going to be injecting them with our own uncomfortable energy. But if we can hear, which means we've normalized this for ourselves that our baby will sometimes weep, and our child will demand our attention and repeat questions to the states and whine, and that's okay for them to do… that'south not something we have to rush to fix immediately, and put out similar a fire… it'southward communication…
And so nosotros don't desire to ignore it, but we don't need to react like everything is an emergency, everything is about us needing to exercise something. It's non. So, again, the style to build this skill is to practice perceiving, and letting go of being the fixers, being the extinguishers of every uncomfortable emotion our child has. That's not our chore and information technology doesn't assist our children.
Sometimes I remember of this for myself as kind of an unplugging within. Instead of letting myself go touched off by everything children say or exercise, I unplug, and so information technology gives me that bit of time to have it in, and to meet what's needed.
I'm going to talk specifically nigh this parent'south issues that she'due south sharing with me, and how information technology might feel and sound to be responsive, rather than reactive. So, she starts out saying, "She started interrupting us a lot. She won't let us talk with friends, family, or over the telephone."
It will help this parent a lot, because it helps all of united states of america, to work on being responsive at home as much as possible. Doing the homework. Because it's going to be even harder for us when we are with friends, or in public. That's like going to Carnegie Hall and performing. We have to practice showtime. That practice will give our child the infinite they need for those feelings. We're going to hold that space by being responsive instead of reactive. At home, nosotros're going to allow for those feelings to go wherever they need to get.
If nosotros recollect virtually these processes being quantitative, which in a way they sort of are, then the bigger tempest the better, really. Bring it on instead of trying to ward information technology off. Seeing that as the healthy experience that will get our child through this. Whatsoever this child is processing out, information technology will assist them finish that procedure.
So, this little daughter is interrupting… permit'southward say when her parents are talking together… What I would do is you lot hear her the first time, Oh, she'due south request for something, or she's calling me. "Hi, I'm going to talk to your dad now, but I can't wait to hear what you have to say. When we're done, I can't look to hear what you want."
Go back to your husband, breathe, hold your own energy. Don't get pulled and tapped into by your daughter's energy. Again, non being reactive. Proceed as all-time you can talking with your husband.
And at present she tries again. Maybe you permit that 2d one become because you've already responded to her, but let's say it continues. You could look at her, y'all could put your finger up as in, Requite me another minute please, letting her know that you hear her. Y'all can say, "Wow, you can't wait to tell us."
Keep going back to what y'all're doing. This is non ignoring her, information technology'southward being very respectful, but it'due south letting her know that she doesn't accept this power to ignite you. That you lot are a separate person with boundaries. You accept your own pace, and your own needs and wants, and decisions that you're making in that moment.
It can help also to look at why we're getting touched off. That might be a footling different for each of u.s.a.. Sometimes information technology tin can really stem from reacting to that baby that nosotros had. It'south instinctive to react when a baby cries. That is how we've survived from early man. This is how nosotros've connected. We've been able to respond to those urgent needs of our babies. While maybe dorsum in early on times these were all emergencies considering wildlife could detect us if they heard these sounds, and attack us, these aren't all emergencies anymore, and all we do by making each one of these an emergency is foster anxiety. We besides feel broken-hearted ourselves, and we're much more than probable to lose our temper when we're in reactive manner. Information technology'southward difficult not to, in fact.
So, if this parent is keeping her cool at all through this, kudos to her. What I'thousand suggesting is that she perceive it differently and then that she doesn't have to try to have such self control, and be so uncomfortable herself. If this is part of what'southward going on, then she can stop seeing information technology as her chore to go on her child happy and content every minute. That'south but not going to happen, especially when somebody is processing feelings. They demand to not be content. They need to exist able to feel very discontented.
Every time she has these kinds of interactions with her girl where she is responding to the interruption, just not assuasive it to piece of work, even if she doesn't get to have a very in depth conversation with her husband at that fourth dimension, she's going to be giving her girl the message that it's safety for her to have those feelings of not getting what she wants. You are not going to be set off by your daughters bids for attention and break.
After you do give your hubby this moment to finish your sentences, or whatever it is, then I would plough to your girl and say, "What did you want? I can't wait to hear." Oftentimes, children volition forget, or they really didn't want anything, which is of course interesting and really shows us even more that it'south just a feeling that she has. Let information technology exist her feeling, and not your feelings.
When you're on the phone, again, that's a very difficult time. I remember as a kid, hating whenever my mother was on the phone. Equally shortly as she picked upward that telephone, nosotros needed her desperately then. It was the most abrasive affair for us. How dare she practise that? I remember that feeling. And then, yep. It'south okay though. It's okay for children to not get what they want. It really is. We've got to hold our own as their leaders.
If it's with friends, I would do the same, but ideally yous're going to be able to practice with your hubby, and when you're on the phone, and when you don't accept these other people there and then that you are comfortable, and and then that your daughter has gotten the message. And she still may need to check it out. Well, I know that it really bugs her with her friends. Not that she's deliberately trying to bug her, just these are things that children have to check out.
So, it'll happen when y'all're with your friends, and then handle it the aforementioned mode. "Oh. Oh, shoot. You want me to see something. I'll be with you in a moment," and so let her acquit on. See it as a whine, or the only ancestry of a tantrum. Information technology's safe for her to go there, and for you lot to let her to go there. It's not only prophylactic, information technology'south the best thing.
She says, "Fifty-fifty when she'south playing or coloring, she will call for our attention." I don't know what the parents are doing at that time when she's playing or coloring, just welcome her to phone call for your attention. You'll requite it to her when you lot can, and then I would requite it to her wholeheartedly, but don't jump, and don't feel irritated by each ane of these calls to yous because, again, it won't put you in good stead to stay unruffled. It won't give her what she needs either, which is a parent in leadership mode, not bowing, and cringing, and jumping to set her.
This mother says, "She'south started being a lot more defiant, especially in public. Won't hold hands on the street. Will enquire for other kids toys. Will weep in public." So, crying in public, I would welcome that. Holding hands on the street, that has to be non-negotiable. It's not nigh her being able to hold easily. You take to firmly hold her hand, and if she absolutely tin can't then, yeah, I would allow her melt downwards and fall to the footing while you're holding her hand if she needs to. Not letting her get hurt, plainly, but allowing her to fall apart with you. Being that safe person for her that understands she's got her reasons, and it's the best thing she can do. Yous are doing reasonable things, you're non pain her by insisting you hold her hand. You're not hurting her by not responding to every single time she says, "Mama," or hurrying up your phone calls because she'south yelling at y'all.
Asking for other kids toys, I'grand not sure what that's about, simply she's welcome to inquire. Again, she'southward got to be welcome to not desire to concur hands. She'southward got to exist welcome to call your proper name l,000 times. She's got to exist welcome to cry in public. She'south got to be welcome to ask for other kids toys. Information technology's fine for her to do all of those things, simply you are non going to let her interrupt you lot, y'all're not going to let her take other kids' toys. You're going to block that from happening, physically. Just like you're going to physically continue with your chat with your husband for a few more moments. At least finishing those thoughts before yous turn to your daughter.
So this is more showing than telling. Again, not being intimidated, not being impacted, non being sucked into her feelings. These are hers. She needs to be able to share them, and process them, and get them out of her body.
This mom says, "It's gotten to a point where I avoid taking her out, or having friends over. I literally am crying equally I write this, 'crusade my friends and family see me as a bad mom." Once again, I don't know exactly what they're responding to, but I think it might be that this mom is getting sucked into her girl'south neediness instead of seeing it as a healthy, okay, and necessary land that she's in correct now. I retrieve when people brand those kinds of judgments of the states as parents, information technology's because they meet a state of affairs where nosotros are uncomfortable and feeling out of control. Information technology'south not that they judge our child for being like that, information technology's that they see that nosotros are as well. This parent can turn that around immediately past perceiving her part differently, and perceiving her daughters behavior differently, more accurately.
So aye, if nosotros're trying to talk our child into property our paw, or talk her out of taking other kids toys, or calming her downwards when she's upset in public, we give the impression that our kid is the powerful i and nosotros have to cater to them. There'southward an imbalance of power at that place that's not healthy.
If there are whatever other shifts going on, this mother doesn't say if she has other children or if there's annihilation else, but I would always look at first my own feelings because that can be a reason that we get tapped into by everything our child does. Nosotros've got our own wound at that place, and every time our child does these things, or calls to united states of america, information technology'due south hit that wound. Nosotros've lost routines, and friends, and comfortable petty spots in our house, where we slept. We have to be able to accept those feelings to empathise and concord the space for our child to.
So, I hope some of that helps. And both my books are available as always on audio at aural.com,No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without ShameandElevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting. Yous tin become both audio books for free with a 30 mean solar day trial membership by using the link in the liner notes of the podcast. You can too go them in paperback on Amazon, and in Eastward-book at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and apple.com.
And don't forget to follow me on Instagram, @Janet Lansbury.
Thank yous for listening. We tin can do this.
Source: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2019/03/help-our-child-keeps-interrupting-and-demanding-attention/
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